One of my favorite writers has started a Weblog to document and attempt to explain the 1001 Worst Pop, Rock & Roll Songs of All Time. Here are some excerpts to whet your appetites.
2. "Don’t Drink the Water" by the Dave Matthews Band
The music is basically the same Sting-meets-Grateful Dead aural flaccid penis as all the rest of his nuevo-hippie shtick, only with more distortion.
5. "Rime of the Ancient Mariner" by Iron Maiden
Were they not content to have written one bad “epic” song based on a literary work of dubious merit (1983’s “To Tame A Land”, a "musical" homage to Frank Herbert’s Dune, which contained such scintillating lyrics as “He is the Kwizatz Haderach/He is born of Caladan/And will take the Gom Jabbar” - I swear to Christ I’m not making this up)? No, here they trot out a 13-minute musical re-telling of the poem, which isn’t that captivating even as prose. And it comes complete with spoken-word middle section, unnecessary signature changes, over-the-top stentorian vocalizing and endless boring (though I’m sure difficult to play) guitar solos.
His other Web site is called Entertainment People, and I have literally wept from laughter, reading his responses to the letters people send in to entertainment magazines (Us, People, Entertainment Weekly, etc.). You should go there, too.
dang!
that dude’s got some serious Jeremy Piven hangups.
But hilariously so. Mein gott ins himmeeelllllllll!
Thanks for the promotion,
Thanks for the promotion, man! I’m always happy to hear people enjoy the blog(s) rather than the usual "You’re evil and should burn in Hell" e-mails I get.
As to the comment about Jeremy Piven: I actually have nothing against the guy. I just find inserting the name "Jeremy Piven" into posts inexplicably funny, and doubly so when directing insults at him for no good reason.
YOU'RE EVIL AND SHOULD BURN IN HELL
Because you’re SINNNNfully funny. Oh, ho ho ho. I suck.
Anyway, thanks for coming by, John! I’m glad Nate promoted you, too, because I got way tooooo distracted at work yesterday checking your stuff out and trying not to blow coffee over my screen from snickering.
PIVEN!
example--annoying pop fool conversion chart
I do not understand how Jennifer Aniston can be interested in John "love ‘em and leave ‘em" Mayer. He has blown through so many sweet girls; I hope Jen wises up.
Margaret Loper via e-mail
than a poseur douche sitting for a high school yearbook picture."
Loper,
To be honest, if I was Ms. Aniston I’d be less worried about whether he was going to dump me than I would about whether I was in fact a mouth-breathing moron, given that he’d previously dated Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt, both of whom would appear to possess roughly the same level of sentience as a Holstein. The man’s (and I use that term loosely) obviously got a type, and suffice it to say, there’s a reason he never wrote a song called "Your Mind Is A Wonderland".
In any case, I’m sorry to report that I don’t think she’s going to "wise up" any time soon. I mean, wasn’t she dating that singer from Counting Crows for a while? She’s apparently learned nothing about moving up on the horrible Adult Alternative Musician dating ladder. I’m not sure if John Mayer is a step up or a step down - I’ve misplaced my Annoying Pop Fool conversion chart - so let’s just call it a lateral move and be done with the whole sorry subject.
I’m the all-night drug-prowling wolf who looks so sick in the sun,
John
Rude
Thats rather rude and insulting
…to the holstein
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