I wanted to give all y’all an update on how I am doing. Can’t really put it on the facebooks, but I would like to to share it with you all. I’m on medical leave from work until October 12, and I hope to be back to work right after I see my doctor again on the 12th. The past few months have been kind of tough. I thought I could just grit my teeth and get through by faking it or whatever but it just didn’t turn out to be the case. I really thought quitting smoking MJ would help, and it seemed to at first, but as the summer went on I was finding that number one I could not turn off my mind about work and number two I was having more thoughts of hopelessness and preoccupation with death. It really seemed to get really bad after we got back from New Orleans and I just couldn’t shake it. I was reaching a point that although I was not planning suicide I was thinking pretty hard about how that might solve the problem. After a horrible morning Wednesday in which I was visualizing driving into a tree on my way to work I finally saw my doctor and he started me on Celexa and gave me some Xanax to help take off the immediate edge. I am starting to feel a little better. I know it takes a little time for the Celexa to kick in but even now I have felt some twinges of it working, kind of a warm feeling not unlike the feeling I remember from Ecstacy back in the ’80s. Today was my first day with no Xanax and I am hoping to stay off them. I asked the doctor what do I do while I’m off and he said do projects, visit people etc. so I am planning on doing a little of both.
I am so grateful and blessed to have so many good friends and such a wonderful wife. Part of my problem is that I expect everyone in the world to be cool, and when you’re a manager at work people kiss your ass and stab you in the back and most of the time it doesn’t matter if you’re nice or a dick they do it anyway. I am finally over it and realized that work really is little more than prostitution sometimes. I am lucky though to have a few real friends at my work.
Anyhow, that’s what’s going on with me. I hope maybe I can hang out with some of y’all that live around here this week at some point.
Sorry to hear you are going
hang in there man
Sometimes I wonder why everyone who isn’t the least bit intellegent isn’t struggling with depression. I swear ignorance is bliss and the more you know the more difficult it is to cope with the world. All my home-spun crackerjack box psychiatry aside, I don’t know shit, but I think you’re cool and I’m down to help in any way that I can. Maybe we can get some riding in. Also I’m good at distraction, and talking shit, so if you want call me and I’ll try to distract you by talking a load of shit. Some of it might be good shit, some of it will be dumb shit. You take your chances.
Thanks guys. I enjoyed very
Thanks guys. I enjoyed very much my excursion to the Nature Center with Nancy…..
5-hydroxytryptamine
Really sorry I didn’t pick up on this. You’ve been sort of “all in” about some lifestyle changes, but you’re basically an “all in” kind of guy, and I didn’t realize there was so much more going on. I think you should forget about the “swear jar.” You should swear more, even.
Anyway, I’m glad you sought help. Call me if you feel like talking. And for the love of God, PLEASE!!! DO NOT DRIVE YOUR CAR INTO A TREE!!!
Love,
Tree
Aw thanks buddy. It was good
Aw thanks buddy. It was good spending a little time with you today. I’m taking this thing one day at a time but I can assure you all that I do now know for certain that life is a wonderful thing….
It's better than the alternative.
Even when things are shitty, it’s better than the alternative.
DUDE!
I’m sorry to hear that the road’s been so bumpy lately, man! I’m glad you’re dealing with it and getting some help. I’m also glad you’re telling friends about it. Keeping the dark stuff bottled up and quiet just gives it more power, and makes it seem even bigger than it already is. Also, if you keep it in storage, it takes up so much emotional space that you can’t see past it to recognize the good, happy stuff that comes your way. Spill your guts of the negative shit, make room for the positive.
And I agree…maybe hang up the swear jar concept for a while. As someone who also has a tendency to want to go all balls-out when making changes and then end up pissed off at myself when I can’t pull them all off at the same time? Cut yourself some slack. It sounds like you’ve been making steady, monsterously huge steps in the area of self-improvement and changes to life. Hang in there, baby! You’re doing good, ease up on yourself and others, and keep letting it out.
We love you, big dummy.
hola, Herb
Hey buddy - not being the greatest social networker, and having been kinda scarce lately, I’m coming late to your news. Sorry to hear things were getting too heavy… I’m really glad things are coming together for you. I’ve been through some sadness recently, so it’d be a good thing to get together with you sometime soon. You’re always in my thoughts (and conversations!… don’t worry, it’s always good), even when we’re not in each other’s presence. Here’s to better days, for ALL of us!
I've been there...
from personal experience, I know that there is nothing anyone can say to change how you’re feeling, or what you have been going through. I think the hugest misconception about depression it that you can some how pull yourself out of it. It just doesn’t work that way. I am glad you talked to your doctor and are getting some relief.
I just remember the only way I could describe what was going on was that it felt like I was out in the water drowning, waving my arms for help and everyone on the shore was waving back, unaware of what was happening. But, they do care, and are there when you are able to stop fighting it and let yourself float back to shore.
I would love to see both of
Thanks to all of you for the
Thanks to all of you for the kind words. Things are getting better a little at a time. A big part of the struggle for me is the realization that the anger and moodiness that has always been there within me might be my downfall and how badly I want to overcome this thing. For whatever reason I never learned how to calm myself down very well even going back to being a little kid) and what’s more I have had a long history of projecting my moods onto others. It creates a vicious cycle in which when faced with a stressor or anxiety producing situation I kind of blow up and then feel ashamed about blowing up which doesn’t really address the issue just makes me feel more down on myself and more anxious and stressed. The medication seems to be addressing this though, in that one effect is that it creates a sense of reassurance. I am hoping that to be a springboard for me for developing my own better methods for reassuring myself. Again, thanks for giving me a space to write down some thoughts and I look forward to more hanging out with you all soon.
Saw the Dr. today and I’m
Keep on keepin on
Keep on keepin on. Herb, thanks for sharing this with us. We’re all human, faliable, in differnt ways and sometimes the same. I rarely blow up, but when it do it’s usually a doosey. I understand some of what you go through as I also feel ashamed. I don’t know if it stems from having high standards. I know within myself I’m very critical of people, including myself. If someone wrongs me, god help them because I never seem to be able to forget the smallest of slights. Yet, I know everyone can have a bad day, and that maybe I just had the chance to happen on one of theirs. I’ve blown my stack at my kids a couple of times and felt really really low afterwards.
Where am I going with this bit of folksy babble, … I’m not sure, but I’m trying to relate that we are all human.
Here, let me use caveman terms:
Herb Human, OFMG Human, Leppo-friends Human. Herb friend. Like Friend Herb.
You are important to us.
Thanks OFMG for the very kind
Take it Kesey
Just don’t get too calm, or I may have to smother you with your pillow and throw this drinking fountain through the window.
Just keep me away from the
Wanted to give y’all
Wanted to give y’all an update. The last week has been good. I am going back to work on Thursday. I’m a little nervous about it, but I think once the first day is done everything will be OK. I have had a chance to genuinely relax the past few days that I don’t think I have had in years. I woke up today and did practically nothing beyond cleaning out some drawers in the buffet (literally hee hee) and moving some pictures around the house. I went to the KIA this evening and all of my prints are done for the Art Hop show in November. Gotta go take mat board to PJ’s Frame Up tomorrow.
So anyway things are getting more on an even keel for me. Thanks to all of you for your kind support, I couldn’t have a better bunch of friends!!
Wanted to give y’all
Wanted to give y’all an update. The last week has been good. I am going back to work on Thursday. I’m a little nervous about it, but I think once the first day is done everything will be OK. I have had a chance to genuinely relax the past few days that I don’t think I have had in years. I woke up today and did practically nothing beyond cleaning out some drawers in the buffet (literally hee hee) and moving some pictures around the house. I went to the KIA this evening and all of my prints are done for the Art Hop show in November. Gotta go take mat board to PJ’s Frame Up tomorrow.
So anyway things are getting more on an even keel for me. Thanks to all of you for your kind support, I couldn’t have a better bunch of friends!!
Had my first real day back at
Had my first real day back at work today. My actual first day was Thursday but it started with a pretty tense meeting telling me I was demoted and not going to be a supervisor anymore. Given how much drama and annoyance I had put out at work over the past few months I was not surprised about this outcome although I was briefly scared that I was actually going to be fired. Thursday was a tough but short day, I asked if I could take Friday off since Wiz was off and I needed a little time to process this and that was OK. I was pretty anxious over the weekend.
Today went pretty smoothly. I spent over an hour talking with my supervisor to really kind of debrief what went down the past few months and especially what happened before I left. I had really broken down with stress on my job and it reached a point where I did some really stupid things including repetitively sharing personal information about my mental health issues with co-workers and actually more or less telling one of my staff that I had a crush on her (an innocent one but she did not really interpret it that way) and I more or less announced to several people at my work that she was pregnant right after she told me about it when it should have been obvious to me that it probably wasn’t planned and was probably a difficult situation for her (the hint being that she was five months along and had just started telling people at work). I was also also telling people about how I had quit smoking weed and I was talking repetitively about my childhood traumas. I was very out of control. There were three people I most bothered with all this and the upshot of all that is that there are three colleagues of mine who are pretty upset with and/or scared of me right now. I am working in Wap Wap and can’t go back to my office until we have a meeting with them and a facilitator. That will probably happen next week. I think also that my bosses want to keep me close so they can see how I am doing. I think that I will be able to eventually repair my working relationships with these three ladies but it will take time.
Anyhow I now have a new position in which I am still a management level employee, I have no supervisory responsibilities and I get to work in the area I love most which is employment. I was hating being a supervisor, and in actuality I am happy and hopeful about the change although I am anxious and I know there will be challenges. I work for the absolute best organization in the world and I am humbled and grateful that there is still a place for me in our agency and I do have some very supportive people I can turn to if I am having difficulty and my boss and I talked and agreed today about who that that support network is. I am so blessed to have the absolute best wife a man could have, and so many wonderful friends like you all. Things are looking up…..
Third day in a row back at
Third day in a row back at work…woo hoo!
Things are looking up
I am not much of a greeting card writer, but I hope you are on the path to feeling better, and that things are stabilizing at work. I have had a number of relatives who for various emotional/chemical dependency reasons could not even handle any kind of job for any length of time and there are shitty days where I would really rather not have to go in a deal with colleagues and students face-to-face, but I usually manage to drag myself to the office/classroom/meeting when necessary. I am no expert by any means, but I know from first hand experience with several friends that treating any type of depression or other extreme emotional state induced by any number of circumstances can take time to sort out and that affected neurotransmitter levels take quite a while to renormalize under medication, like weeks to months in some cases. Hang in there and looking forward to your photography show.
Things are looking up
I am not much of a greeting card writer, but I hope you are on the path to feeling better, and that things are stabilizing at work. I have had a number of relatives who for various emotional/chemical dependency reasons could not even handle any kind of job for any length of time and there are shitty days where I would really rather not have to go in a deal with colleagues and students face-to-face, but I usually manage to drag myself to the office/classroom/meeting when necessary. I am no expert by any means, but I know from first hand experience with several friends that treating any type of depression or other extreme emotional state induced by any number of circumstances can take time to sort out and that affected neurotransmitter levels take quite a while to renormalize under medication, like weeks to months in some cases. Hang in there and looking forward to your photography show.